Craigslist Lonelyheart of the Week

I know it's been awhile, but I'm back with the Craigslist Lonelyheart of the Week. This time, we have a female-body-part theme, which means there are some really lonely guys out there. Our runner-up is a guy who knows how to ask for what he wants. He gets right to the point. His personal ad is titled, "May I Borrow Your Vagina?" Dude, it's not like a cup of sugar... He promises that he's not "a creep" and says "pretty please." Still, sometimes you just want to go over to these dudes' apartments and knock them over the head with their computers and scream, "Who the hell raised you?!"

And yet, vagina-boy is not our winner. Our winner this week has a special talent, which is evident from his personal's title: "Breastreader Extraordinaire." That's right, ladies! Have you ever had a relationship or career quandary and not known what to do? Why pay money to a therapist or psychic when this gentleman will read your boobs for free?! He says: "By putting yourself in my hands (Ha! hands! -- ed.), I gather the needed insight, mainly through tactile methods, plus conversation. This costs you nothing, and is also fun!" Worried this guy's not for real? Don't fret -- the anonymous "testimonials" at the bottom of his ad should convince you: "That was extraordinary!" Well, that is why he calls himself a breastreader "extraordinaire."

So, as someone who's kinda fascinated by human behavior and why we do the things we do, here's my question -- do these dudes realize they're being beyond creepy? Do they not care? If they want to get laid so badly, why not just pick up chicks at bars? And, of course, who the hell raised these guys? Can someone call their mothers, stat?

Craigslist Lonelyheart of the Week

This is a new feature on Lorem Ipsum, in which I'll choose a particularly sad and pathetic Craigslist personal. Natasha, a 25-year old with a penchant for bad boys, almost won after I read her ad, which requests that ex-cons contact her. She's only interested in men who have been to prison, and if you haven't, don't bother.
Still, I couldn't be sure that Natasha was such a loser. Sure it looks that way; but she also could be a very successful woman with poor grammar and a fetish for perps. Some men, especially those who've been cooped up in a cell for awhile, might even find this Natasha girl appealing.
So our winner is this 22-year-old girl from Jersey. She sounds like a hoot! She doesn't know what you're going to do on the first date. (Eating, drinking, sex and even holding hands are total no-nos!) But I'm sure you'll think of something. Here's some things you should know about your new gal:

She's starving herself for the next month.
She's not drinking alcohol for the next month.
She's not going to sleep with you on the first date.
She bears a striking resemblance to Cousin Itt from The Addams Family.
She will see to it that your first date includes a quiz on current events.

So good luck, kids! Also, she notes that guys with facial deformities, married men and baldies need not apply. Sweet girl.

Wine and Dine Me...Well, Not Really