This Baby-Namin' Business Is Rough

In case you didn't already know how neurotic I am, here's more evidence! My friend M. in Chicago just asked my advice on what to name her second child, a boy. She has three names on the table: George, Simon, and Henry. I'm a girl, but I have a boy's name, so I'm going to deem myself an expert on this subject. Besides, getting teased about your name sucks (I know), and I want to be thoughtful and provide honest insight. Probably, though, my e-mail response to her (below) doesn't offer any insight as much as it unmasks my fear of schoolyard taunts, possible career failure, and being ridiculed by the other kids:

I like Henry. Do NOT name your kid Simon. B/c there's Simon Cowell, from American Idol, and he's a dick. Or else, it's just too easy a name to make fun of. OK, granted, nothing rhymes with it, but let's imagine this scenario on a playground, circa 2012:

Asshole kid: Give me your lunch money.
Simon: No.
Asshole kid: Simon says, Give me your lunch money.
Simon: What?
Asshole kid: Simon says -- that means you have to do it.
Simon: No?
Asshole kid: Simon says, I'm gonna kick your ass.
FIGHT SCENE.

Actually, Simon also rhymes with Climb On! This is faintly reminiscent of All Aboard!, a term which destines your child to become a train conductor. And it sort of rhymes with diamond. Like Diamond Simon. Next thing you know, kids are calling your kid Diamond Simon, the Rhinestone Cowboy. NOT Cool. Unless, of course, you want a kid who looks like Liberace, and I'm guessing no.

George. Problem with George is, there was that dude George whom you totally LOVED sophomore year of college. This might be a little bit like me naming my first born MikeXXXXXX (name X'ed out to protect former beloved & save self embarrassment). Actually, George is a nice name, but it's a bit tainted because that girl LXXXXX 's dick boyfriend was named George, and they both suck.

Which leaves us with Henry, the obvious choice! Love it! Just don't let anyone start calling him Hank, cause then he'll be Hank the Stank Who Drank. Don't get me started...