How to Set up a MySpace Account in 13 Easy Steps

#1. Take an ironic picture of yourself. It is best if you are looking off to the side, all spacey-eyed, or wearing a Halloween costume. Even better, if you are a hardcore Democrat, use George Bush’s picture. If all the above fail, use a childhood photograph, pre-third grade. Half-naked as an adult also works, especially if you are female or a gay male.
#2. Post photograph.
#3. Come up with a crafty slogan. This should be something that shows off how witty and clever you are. Example: “Someone told me MySpace was for losers, so I decided to join.” Or, if you’re not the self-deprecating type, come up with some word salad that will beg the question: What does that mean?! Example: “George Michael ate my Jolly Rangers!!!” As a last resort, use some pseudo-intellectual bullshit that no one will remember from sophomore year of college ’cause they were too stoned (think rare Baudelaire verses, which work particularly well for the ladies, but not so much for the men).
#4. Post slogan.
#5. Write some witty banter about yourself for the “About Me” section. Wrong: “I was born in Chicago and am currently a patent attorney who enjoys watching movies, reading Stephen King novels and dining out.” Right: “I hate mayonnaise. I hate people who don’t know that the right side of the escalator is for standing, the left side for walking. Ketchup is my favorite condiment. I don’t understand math. Or science. I have a weird birthmark under my left breast. I always give money to subway musicians with accordions.”
#6. Post witty banter under “About Me” section.
#7. Post any dorky quizzes you have taken. The dorkier, the better.
#8. Download humiliating pictures of yourself from digital camera.
#9. Post humiliating photos under the additional pics link. Somewhere our culture got the idea that if we showcase our embarrassments, they cease to be embarrassing and merely become fodder for amusement. This is nowhere better evidenced than on MySpace.
#10. Under the “Here For” part, say friends or networking, but never dating. Your “friends” will snicker that you should have joined Match.com instead.
#11. Obtain as many friends as possible. Unlike in real life, it is OK to associate with people you hate on MySpace. Remember, they add to your friend total (see Tip #12).
#12. Do not put the people you hate on your main page, unless they are incredibly attractive or have impressively ironic photos (see Tip #1). If you cannot manage to obtain more than 250 friends, delete your MySpace page, or people will think no one likes you.
#13. Post comments on all your friends’ pages. With any luck, 75 percent of them will reply with comments on your page, and it will therefore appear that people are interesting in talking to you. If you do not do this, someone will invariably post that, “No one ever leaves you any comments!” Which everyone knows is MySpace death. Then you will be forced to resign your MySpace page and you will lose your home and job, wife and children, and you will be driven underground to live in sewer tunnels.
Good luck!