At Least I've Had a Tetanus Shot Recently

Last night before walking into Piano’s, my friend, who had grown up on the LES, wryly noted that the bar is where her family used to buy pianos. Put plainly, Piano’s on a Friday night blows. You will keep bumping into douchebags, girls in flimsy tops will run into you and spill your glass of wine, and when you are searching for your friends on a faux dance floor you will step on something sharp that you cannot see and still will not know what it was when you wake up the next afternoon to discover blood on your foot.
Piano’s is a great place to go for a reading, like One Story’s excellent monthly series, on a Friday around 6 or 7. Friday around 1 or 2 is different. We would have gone somewhere else, but my friend’s friend from out of town was there. Which seemed to be a trend, out-of-towners at Piano’s. I was waiting for the bathroom downstairs. There was a huge line behind me. There was a bathroom that no one was going in, so I opened the door to see why. The floor was really wet and nasty, not completely flooded, but when you already have blood on your foot, you don’t want it to be wet, too. So I said to the guy behind me, “You can go if you want, I’ll wait for another.” And he said, “What’s the matter?” I explained. “You don’t want to go in because it’s wet?” He chuckled at me. So I waited for another restroom, went in there, and then I heard the douchebag leaving the “wet” bathroom and asking the guy behind him, all sarcastic and shit, “You sure you wanna go in there? It’s wet!” Then they both had a good chuckle. “That’s just par for the course!” one said. “What do you expect in New York?” the other said. The only people who say things like “What do you expect in New York?” are people who do not live in New York and have an image of the city as this drug-infested, crime-ridden, pre-Giuliani cesspool.
Call me crazy, but I don’t expect to be cut with glass and use flooded toilets when I go out. But maybe I’m just a snob.

How to Set up a MySpace Account in 13 Easy Steps

#1. Take an ironic picture of yourself. It is best if you are looking off to the side, all spacey-eyed, or wearing a Halloween costume. Even better, if you are a hardcore Democrat, use George Bush’s picture. If all the above fail, use a childhood photograph, pre-third grade. Half-naked as an adult also works, especially if you are female or a gay male.
#2. Post photograph.
#3. Come up with a crafty slogan. This should be something that shows off how witty and clever you are. Example: “Someone told me MySpace was for losers, so I decided to join.” Or, if you’re not the self-deprecating type, come up with some word salad that will beg the question: What does that mean?! Example: “George Michael ate my Jolly Rangers!!!” As a last resort, use some pseudo-intellectual bullshit that no one will remember from sophomore year of college ’cause they were too stoned (think rare Baudelaire verses, which work particularly well for the ladies, but not so much for the men).
#4. Post slogan.
#5. Write some witty banter about yourself for the “About Me” section. Wrong: “I was born in Chicago and am currently a patent attorney who enjoys watching movies, reading Stephen King novels and dining out.” Right: “I hate mayonnaise. I hate people who don’t know that the right side of the escalator is for standing, the left side for walking. Ketchup is my favorite condiment. I don’t understand math. Or science. I have a weird birthmark under my left breast. I always give money to subway musicians with accordions.”
#6. Post witty banter under “About Me” section.
#7. Post any dorky quizzes you have taken. The dorkier, the better.
#8. Download humiliating pictures of yourself from digital camera.
#9. Post humiliating photos under the additional pics link. Somewhere our culture got the idea that if we showcase our embarrassments, they cease to be embarrassing and merely become fodder for amusement. This is nowhere better evidenced than on MySpace.
#10. Under the “Here For” part, say friends or networking, but never dating. Your “friends” will snicker that you should have joined Match.com instead.
#11. Obtain as many friends as possible. Unlike in real life, it is OK to associate with people you hate on MySpace. Remember, they add to your friend total (see Tip #12).
#12. Do not put the people you hate on your main page, unless they are incredibly attractive or have impressively ironic photos (see Tip #1). If you cannot manage to obtain more than 250 friends, delete your MySpace page, or people will think no one likes you.
#13. Post comments on all your friends’ pages. With any luck, 75 percent of them will reply with comments on your page, and it will therefore appear that people are interesting in talking to you. If you do not do this, someone will invariably post that, “No one ever leaves you any comments!” Which everyone knows is MySpace death. Then you will be forced to resign your MySpace page and you will lose your home and job, wife and children, and you will be driven underground to live in sewer tunnels.
Good luck!

Where All the Depressed People Near Union Square Go After Work

Trade Joe's wine shop on 14th Street. Just look at the line that stretches to the back of the store, circa 6 p.m. on a Wednesday. Clearly we have no one to go to a bar with. Or, more realistically, we just realize that a bottle of three-buck Chuck is a more cost-efficient way of dealing with our depression. And cheaper than Zoloft. Sad, very sad.